The no-freakout guide to empty nesting
Why this new life phase doesn’t need to faze you.
BY DR. ILANA D. ROSENBERG, Ph.D.
Was this the fall you had to face something you both wished for and dreaded—the last of your children leaving for college? Maybe the anticipation turned out to be worse than the reality, or maybe you’re still struggling. If you are, Rosenberg has “a” few tips for you.
Allow and accept all of your emotions. You may be sad at some times, relieved at others. It’s all normal, and you don’t have to feel badly about any of it. When you let yourself simply be with your feelings, they will pass through you and you will be back to yourself. Emotions come in waves; ride them and you will eventually feel peaceful.
Adjust as well as you can, but don’t be hard on yourself if it comes in stops and starts. It’s truly normal to want to weep on your youngest child’s bedroom floor, and then a little later appreciate that you don’t have to deal with your their moods or make them dinner every night.
Accept this unique time in your life. Indulge in extra self-care and think about using this brand-new gift of time to return to dreams that were left unfulfilled when you focused your time and energy on child-rearing. You will find joy and meaning in this life chapter, too.
Acknowledge that your child is showing signs of health by becoming so independent. Your job as a parent was to launch them so they could establish their own family, life, and career, just like you did when you grew up and left your parents’ home. Now you can relax and enjoy a different, more adult type of relationship with them.
Admit what you probably knew deep down all along: Your parental responsibilities are far from over. In fact, we parent our kids much longer when they are adults than we did when they were children. Just because a child turns 18 doesn’t mean you stop being their mom or dad. Find new ways to be with your child even when they are not with you, via phone and video calls, texts, pictures, and just thinking of them.
ILANA D. ROSENBERG, Ph.D. is the founder and clinical director of Scarsdale Psychology Associates. She received her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 2004 and has been working with kids, teens, and adults ever since. She believes that acceptance of oneself and one’s emotions, as well as self-compassion, are game changers.